Technophobes Unite! And Drive Me Crazy. Part 2 - The eBook Edition

It seems like everyone in the entire world (except me. Um, hello, husband?) got an ebook reader for Christmas. And none of them know how to use it. So they call their friendly local library to get instructions on using their new toys and downloading free books from the library. I do not have an ebook reader (see sentence 1, above), but I can walk them through downloading from our ebook provider online. Why is this? Why do I know how to operate a piece of technology that I've never owned or played with for any substantial length of time and these people can't figure it out?

It's because I'm a Jeeeenyuuuuuus! Just kidding. It's because I have futzed around with enough gadgets to know the basic lay of the land and because I am NOT SCARED. The Nook is not going to suck out your soul if you don't push the right thing. (Or WILL it?) It just confounds me, how these people are so afraid to play! Or afraid to read directions, apparently, since our catalog of digital downloads has an extensive help and troubleshooting section, as well as a very handy "Getting Started" presentation, not to mention I'm pretty sure that the manufacturers make user's manuals, if not in print then online. Come on people! Read and experiment a little!

Also, my birthday is coming up at the end of January. I would like a Nook Color, please. Thanks!

Technophobes Unite! And Drive Me Crazy.

So not only do I man the reference desk, but I also teach computer classes. It boggles my mind how many people still don't know how to use a computer. I have taught many MANY people how to turn the computer on, how to use the mouse, what all those weird buttons are on the keyboard. Satisfying? Yes, of course. It's always nice to empower someone to use or do something new. Frustrating? You betcha.

The main thing that frustrates me is the fear that most of these people have of the computer. I am in my mid-thirties, so I learned computers as they were coming up through the MS-DOS phase, through the introduction to the mouse and now with the touchscreen tablet computers and smartphones. I never took a class, I've just learned new technologies as they have emerged. And yes, a lot of this has to do with my age and the fact that computers have been around for all of my adult life. But my parents both are computer-comfortable, if not completely savvy, and they roll with the punches as new things come out. My dad has a Droid and a Macbook, for crying out loud!

Some people are just afraid of technology. They are afraid of breaking something. A lot of my computer students feel more comfortable when I assure them at the beginning of class that a computer is just an appliance and that they can't break it unless they really really try. I am only frustrated when they stop dead in their digital tracks, frozen like a deer in the headlights because they can't figure out how to get out of a screen or return to the previous page. Try something, damn it! Look at the screen and see what looks like it might get you where you want to go! That big "back" arrow, when clicked, may just take you back to the previous page! And the big red "X" in the corner? May close that screen altogether! PLAY, people! Click around, that's really how you're going to learn and be comfortable.

Cleanliness, Fresh Smells & Money

Since I started working at my new branch almost a year ago, I've noticed that most of the patrons at this branch are clean and relatively pleasant. I've also noticed that most of the patrons are willing, nay eager, to pay their overdue fines IMMEDIATELY RIGHT NOW THIS VERY MINUTE never mind that this computer doesn't have a cash register attached and there is a line 10 deep behind them.

Interestingly enough, with the new upper class clientele, I have also noticed that those who carry the most status symbols (Prada bag, Coach accessories, etc.) will give the most grief over 25 cents that I have ever seen. Lady, that quarter won't even pay for the buckle on your Cole Haan sandals.

Anthropology experiment. I has it.

Foundation Beyond Belief

The Foundation Beyond Belief is a nonprofit organization that plans to benefit charitable organizations as well as provide a comprehensive educational and support system for nontheistic parents. Check out their website or view the video below (or both!) for more information.

Identifying Patrons by Smell

So the weather is hot and sunny and verging on miserable. The patrons are hot and sweaty and smell miserable. I realized the other day that I can identify some patrons by smell. This is gross.

Patron #1 - "The Rock" is a very large woman with a very particular smell. Go into the public restroom after her at your own risk. Breathe shallowly through your mouth.

Patron #2 - A nice guy who has no body odor per se, but his breath will knock you right down. He of course often needs help with the computer.

Patron #3 - The Dirty Pirate is homeless (we think) and has the homeless-in-Florida funk. You can smell him from 30 feet away. I am constantly amazed that people will use the computer right next to him and never complain.

Patron #4 - The Dirty Pirate's sidekick. Almost as bad as the Dirty Pirate, but not quite as pungent.

Patron #5 - The tea rose perfume lady. Her perfume lingers long after she has left the building.

This makes me want to hand out Lever 2000 wipes at the front door, Febreze all of the upholstered chairs daily, and shower often. Why is it that the stinkiest ones gravitate to the upholstered chairs and not the plastic ones that don't retain body odor? Inquiring minds want to know.

Just Another Service I Apparently Offer

People are obviously sending out their holiday cards. I have had three phone calls for addresses and one wanting to know if she's sending a card to her friend who has a dance instructor live-in boyfriend who's half her age, if she has to address the card to both of them or just her friend.

I'm surprised that Telephone Information is still in business. Because no one around here is calling them anymore.

I also just had a woman commandeer my computer to pick out some wines to send to her son. I offered to set her up on one of our public access computers which she declined because "[her] husband doesn't have the patience for [her] doing this kind of stuff." Apparently it's okay if she does it at the reference desk, though.

Sigh. The holidays.

Parents Without a Clue

I wonder when, if ever, it's appropriate to go up to either of the parents on laptops in the corner, who have been at the library for 4 hours, and tell them that perhaps their 2 preschool children may be interested in having lunch at some point today.

These are the same parents who were shoulder-deep in their laptops while their 2 kids wandered about aimlessly and systematically removed half the picture books from the bins, leaving them scattered about for library staff to clean up later.

Makes. Me. Angry.

And Another Thing.

So, for all of my thousands (okay, tens) of readers who want to know how I did at the Jeopardy! audition, the answer is -

I think I did okay.

It was fun, and I was less nervous than expected. I answered most of the written test questions correctly and when I was called on in the mock game I answered all the questions correctly. Now the waiting game begins. I am in a contestant pool for the next 18 months, meaning they could call right out of the blue sometime in November of 2009 and ask me to go out to California for a taping. Who knows.

So I guess No Gnews is Good Gnews with Gary Gnu.

Um... You're Welcome?

Below is the transcript of the note written on the inside of a regular sized greeting card that we received from a regular phone reference caller.

To the Reference and all other wonderful staff at the Library,

Please accept my most sincere thanks for your unfailing kindness and patience with me.

I deeply regret that – by default or design – I have been unable to visit the library, now, these five years past.

I know I must prove tedious to the reference staff – in particular – with my frequent telephone calls and requests for information, however obscure. Please know, that it is born of a compelling need to keep sharp my mind, ever as the very body be steeped in corruption.

It has been my pleasure to come to know so many of you by name, and by temperament, which has been invariably amiable and tolerant. I have found your keen wit, sharp intellect, and immensely pleasurable discourse to be both engaging, and edifying. I know that you have allowed me to give vent to whatever transient interest I might have. To offer – then – as an apology, I once possessed an IQ and a mind that thrived upon knowledge.

All, now, is as smoke and mirrors.

I no longer watch television, as I find it to be both jejune and/or frightening, especially now, in a world I scarcely recognize.

I have the leisure – if not the inclination – to spend hours lost in thought, or, at work upon my writings; it has proven to be a tonic for loneliness and for days of intractable pain, an acceptable anodyne.

Please know that my requests, however silly, obscure, or banal, are – at some elusive base – bound by a discrete, yet common thread, fully as delicate as any web spun by Arachne.

And whilst I may have nothing else left, I have – of candor – a full measure.

I cannot auger the future, nor have I Cassandra’s gift of prophecy, I only know that once, I looked full upon the face of the Gorgon… yet lived. And did I emerge from that refiner’s fire ennobled, better, or with a burnished brightness that hurt the eyes? Time is forever the enemy. Having been chastened, was I purified as well?

But to you, dear, dear people, I can only say, ‘Bravo, Brava, Kudos, and deep thanks’, weaving for you – were I able – a fragrant garland of laurel wreaths for your hair.

Cult of Personality

So, more than memorizing the names of American Vice Presidents, I really need to brush up on the small talk. After all, Jeopardy! already knows I am S-M-R-T, now I have to show them that I actually have a personality! (Gasp!)

Jeopardy! Audition

Holy buzzer, Batman! I may be on Jeopardy! after all. I am taking home 9,000 pounds of books with me to cram, just in case.

It's the Least I Can Do

Once upon a time, long ago in high school, I in a fit of adolescent enthusiasm accidentally whacked my friend Phil Ayres in the face with my hand (wild gesturing - I was very theatrical in high school). So he asked me for a favor, and I'm happy to oblige.
Phil Ayres Phil Ayres Phil Ayres.

Coolest Librarian Job EVAR

Okay, so any librarian position that has this as a disclaimer is AWESOME.

Important Notice: Friends, family, individuals, or organizations may be interested to learn that you are an applicant for or an employee of the CIA. Their interest, however, may not be benign or in your best interest. You cannot control whom they would tell. We therefore ask you to exercise discretion and good judgment in disclosing your interest in a position with the Agency. You will receive further guidance on this topic as you proceed through your CIA employment processing.

Librarian — Central Intelligence Agency

Card Catalog - A Real One!

So a couple of weeks ago I was up at the state capital for some meetings, one of which was at the State Library. After I met with all of the people (very nice, too, incidentally) that I was supposed to, I was taken to the library itself to look around.

First observation: their computer patrons are the same as ours. Aroma and everything.

Second observation: it's a lot smaller than I expected it to be.

Third observation: they have an HONEST-TO-GOD STILL FUNCTIONAL CARD CATALOG. Most of the collection is computer catalogued, but they still have some maps that aren't, so they kept a small card catalog for those items!

I will confess to getting entirely too excited about seeing a card catalog. I wanted to hug it, but settled (for the sake of professionalism) for caressing it fondly.

God, I'm such a nerd.

REM Dreaming

So last night I had a dream that I (my dream character) was in college and Michael Stipe of REM managed to sneak onto campus incognito (this was back when I was actually in college, which means Michael Stipe still had hair) and he became my boyfriend. He disguised himself and went down into the courtyard outside my dorm to play guitar. People figured out who he was (duh) and we ended up having to live on a really big boat.

Peculiar dream. And ironic, that I have a dream about a member of REM while in REM.

My Library Has Fleas

Well, I'm once again the Nomadic Librarian, since my permanent library home is currently being renovated. So I'm camped out at one of our other branches for the interim.

The other day, my coworker found a flea on her person. She does have a cat, but the cat does not have fleas. Later that day, I found a flea on my person. I do have 2 cats, but my cats don't have fleas. Which means the library has fleas.

This is not an unknown phenomenon to me. At another branch where I worked temporarily, we had a special needs group come in a couple of times a week. One of the people had a service dog, which was not very well taken care of and, yes, often had signs and symptoms of flea infestation. We had many work orders for pest control at that branch.

This library, however, has no regular service animal visitors. Which can really only mean one thing: one (or more) of the patrons has fleas. Nice.

An observation: every library that I have been permanently assigned to has undergone some form of renovation that has chased me out for a lengthy period of time (a month this time, a year last time). And my temporary locations have both had fleas. Interesting.

Smaller and Colder

This week I finally managed to visit the Inglewood branch of the Nashville Public Library system, which is the library I went to every day during my childhood summers. Kevin, the guy who I remember from so long ago, is still working there (he's been there 31 years!) and I (re)introduced myself to him and told him that I am now a public librarian.

The building itself seemed smaller, as does just about every place you remember from childhood, with aging floors and columns. All available floor space was taken up by computers (of course), meaning the lounge chairs I remember being next to the fireplace are long gone. The fireplace is still there, although not lit. It was a cold and damp day outside and it was cold and damp in the library, as well.

I was happy I got to go in and visit my old friend, but it was depressing at the same time.

Crazy

I think that there is at least one certifiably crazy regular patron at every public library. We have lots! There's the dumpy guy with the 4 or more hot/cold bags that he carries with him every day (my boss opines that's where he keeps the heads). Then there's the guy who comes in every Saturday morning who asks for the weekly preview for the Young and the Restless, and whose wristwatch's alarm goes off at 10 a.m. He doesn't shut it off.

And we have our fair share of bipolars, schizophrenics, etc. who call and come in and make life interesting.

One of our regulars, whom we have dubbed "Fuzzy Top", hasn't been to the library in over a week. We realized this today. Until now, she came in at least once a day to use the computers (and to ask if anyone had delivered a $1,000 check for her to the library or if anyone had turned in a wallet. She also liked to trade her guest pass for another one, because "they are tracking this one" or "I can't have any with 3's on it" or "this one has a folded corner").

I hope she's okay. Actually, I kind of hope she has been admitted for psychiatric treatment, because it seemed like she was going downhill last time I saw her...

UPDATE: She's back. Apparently she took off nekkid down the road and got put in the hospital for a few days.

Freakin' Metadata

My pet peeve library/info science term-of-art:

METADATA

I have some sort of weird internal block about it. Every time I hear it I feel slightly nauseous. I am also incapable of remembering what it really means.

Blech Blech Blech.

AYCE Buffet Patrons

Yesterday a cow-orker and I went to a local Chinese buffet for lunch (a really good one, BTW, that has the usual buffet stuff and some unusual things like sesame crusted bean paste dumplings and lychee fruit - it's the Royal Chinese Buffet in Embassy Commons next to the Books-A-Million across from Gulfview Square Mall, if you're in the area).

Anyhoo, in addition to the usual people one sees at an all-you-can-eat joint (the normal ones, the really very obese ones, the old ones), there was a couple at a table across the aisle from ours who... get ready for this... didn't have any teeth.

Okay, maybe one or two teeth, but they were gumming their food and their jaws and mouths... well, it looked like a documentary of Deepest Appalachia.